Great White Dispatch: Notes from Damn Near Canada: Assimilation

Great White Dispatch
Notes From Damn Near Canada
No. 48
17:24
01/24/10

Becoming a true Minnesotan involves more than just moving north and bitching about the cost of propane. There are certain things you have to do to actually be from here.

-Buy a 4WD vehicle.
-Prepare a winter emergency kit for said 4WD vehicle.
-Eat and enjoy fried cheese curds.
-Use the phrase ‘Holy buckets!’ in casual conversation.
-Catch a show at First Avenue. The band doesn’t HAVE to be originally from Minny, but it certainly helps.
-Participate during the winter in what sane people from other lands consider summer activities. You know. Fishing. Hiking. Going outside.
-Wear a hat with ear flaps.
-Make a declaration with an upward lilt, so it sounds like you’re actually asking a question.
-Hockey.

In our year and a half in Damn Near Canada, I’ve managed to knock out most of the list whether I’ve wanted to or not. This weekend, I checked hockey off the list. The U.S Pond Hockey Championships take place in the Twin Cities every year. They pick one of the bigass lakes, rope off a bunch of rinks, and let 150+ teams play 4-on-4. The Gus Macker meets Mystery, Alaska. It’s kind of a big deal.

Minnesota in January is the perfect place for pond hockey. Unless Mother Nature decides to dump a week’s worth of Ohio weather on you. Seriously. We had 5 days of 40+ degree weather leading up to the tournament. And then it poured all weekend. Being out on a frozen death trap is unnerving enough when it’s 15 below zero. When it’s melting before your eyes, covered in 2 inches of standing water and you’re sharing it with a 500 yoked-up hockey yahoos and 1000 spectators? FROZEN HELL.

Still. Broke the hockey cherry and did not drown or freeze to death. I’ll consider that a success.