Relief

Great White Dispatch
Notes From Damn Near Canada
No.20
3/15/09
15:30

This weekend, we were flooded with warm colostomy bags of relief in more ways than one. Most importantly, Airika finally received word that she passed her Minnesota State Licensure exam, which means that she’ll be able to continue working in Minnesota past May. There was a real chance, due to silly state politics and some other factors far too stupid to get into here, that she wouldn’t be able to acquire a permanent Minnesotan license. Which meant that we had until May to figure out how to either a) quadruple my salary, b) become independently wealthy or c) pack up and move back to Ohio, which wasn’t even really doable because it took all of our money to get here. Also, if one is moving to Ohio in search of jobs, one is well and truly screwed.

Anyway. This licensure saga has been encompassing us since November, the Sword of Damocles dangling over our heads. Happy as we've been here, there's been a horrible sense of foreboding for months. I'm not the most optimistic guy in the world to begin with (you may have noticed). Give me a reason to expect it all to come crashing down? Christ, just give me some pills. But it’s over now. She passed, I can continue to work for peanuts and we won’t have to move into a shantytown somewhere in Iowa. Sorry to break it to you, Minnesota, but you’re stuck with us.

As if in celebration, Old Dickhead Winter took a few days off, dropping a coupla legitimately nice days on us. Saturday started off windy and 40-ish and slowly crept up past 50. This was after a week of near-zeroes. Comparatively, I was so comfortable this weekend I felt like searching for the Ark of the Covenant. Taken out of context? Still a little nipply.

Minnesotans are funny. During the winter months, if the thermometer even thinks about drifting above freezing, everyone shoots outdoors like it’s Memorial Day. Light windbreakers flap in the (still goddamn cold) breeze, park trails fill with dog walkers, occasionally you even see some shirtless jackass driving a pickup truck. It’s lunacy. 40 ain’t warm, people. Example of typical Minnesotans on a 32+ day:

Yeah, everyone just HAD to get their boats out this weekend. Keep in mind here that when this pic was snapped, I was beyond cold. Windburn-on-the-cheeks cold. Wished-I’d-worn-my-parka cold. Was it warmer than the week before? Yes. Sunny? Absolutely. Boat weather? OhmygodNo. I mean, most of the river was still frozen. Proof:

That’s me. Standing on the river. Jake’s Number One Rule For Declaring Conditions Ideal For Boating: If the water ain’t water, perhaps you should just wait till April, JimBob. Stay at home and watch the Roast of Larry the Cable Guy or something.

I kid. It was a pretty damn nice day. Which will make it all the more hurtful when the mercury disappears next week. People around here like to oh-so-casually mention that March is a “big snow month.” Oh. How nice. I like me some winter, but after a truly springish weekend? I'm ready for some vegetation. So brown around here.

Some more random pictures:

Icebergs on the shore.

See the sail in the background? Some jackhole was ice-sailing. He had a sailboat. On ice runners.

More ice. The shores if the Mississippy nothing but mini-icebergs. The water melts and refreezes so many times you feel like you're part of something evolutionary just looking at all the layers. You also hope you don't fall through.

Just one of the many ways to build an ice-hut. You can't buy this items in stores, folks.


Red Wing is somewhat famous for its floating dock city.