Weenie Winter

Great White Dispatch
Notes From Damn Near Canada
No. 16
12:10

So the little Punxsutawney weather-rat predicted six more weeks of winter. Awesome. Nothing like dropping half a grand every month to heat your cavern because, for some archaic reason, propane is the primary form of heat energy here on the banks of the frozen Mippy Pippy. I swear. There's no easier way to keep my house warm? Hasn't someone figured out the super-benefits of smelting stray cats or something? Propane, you and this satellite internet connection are killing me. (By the way, in Minnesota, 'satellite' appears to be code for 'dial-up'.) Hooray! It's 1990!

Anyway. Six more weeks of winter. Yawn. Besides my ridonkulous heating bill, our first Minny winter has been...soft. As of Groundhog Day, it hadn't actually snowed in over three weeks, and there isn't a flake in the forecast. We've had two harsh storms all season. They were impressive, I'll admit, impressive enough to make certain mile-long roads that double as certain mile-long driveways impassable, but not so much that I rued the day we moved to this frozen tundra. I mean, it could be worse. We could be back in Ohio, where it started snowing in November and hasn't stopped yet.

Heh. It's not exactly irony, but it's pretty damn close.

No, our main obstacle this winter has been the cold. We had a few nerve-racking nights of -30 degrees. When the mercury hits neggo 30, there's always cause for concern, and I tend to lean toward the bad side of worry anyway. What if the power goes out at night? Will we freeze to death? Will the pipes freeze? Will the cars start?

Most importantly, Will my cheeks stay chapped? Seriously, they're chapped worse than Jon Bon Jovi in the Dead or Alive video. Ow.

The temps bottomed out the second week of January with a low of -39. That's 70 degrees below freezing. We didn't have a day above freezing from Christmas to February. Propane and firewood flowed like wine. Expensive, expensive wine.

So yeah, it was cold. But overall? Not too bad. Hell, last winter in Ohio was a billion times worse. Piles of wet, sloppy snow every day, fluctuating temperatures dropping the flu on everyone, roofs caving under the weight of all the slush, something like two feet of snow in January. That was much more annoying than what we've experienced here.

This is not what I expected for our first Minnesota winter. I expected days and days of impassable roads. I expected tunnels to the driveway. Hell, I expected snow days at work. As winter inches towards spring, I'm actually a little disappointed. We were warned of Alaska and we got North Carolina. Only chillier.

I realize that I've just jinxed myself for the next month (or six weeks, if Phil is to be believed). I'm sure there's a string of Albert Clippers forming now, just frosting at the bit to wipe the confident smirk off my face. I'm also sure that I'm ready. Bring it, winter. I didn't move here to see grass in January.